“I Just Want To Shit Somewhere That I Shouldn’t.”


October 9, 2010 by sandwichcontrol

That was one of the last things that White Chocolate said before passing out on my couch. So sayeth Pancake Land. I thought it was brilliant and decided to award it the title of today’s post.

Pancake Land got to experience something last night that I am quite familiar with, being the sober person in a room full of not-sober people. For those of you who have never experienced this, let me just say that it sucks. Drunk people are highly aware of their drunkness. Self-conscious even. They feel like the sober person, regardless of whether or not the sober person is having a good time, is judging them. Maybe it is the fear that there is a person aware enough to remember all of the shenanigans that are going on, that is among them. Maybe it is the unexplainable phenomenon that people do not like to drink alone, but rather, like to drink with everyone in a group. If one person is not drinking, they feel threatened somehow.

This manifests itself in the drunk people constantly badgering the sober person with questions like:

“Are you having a good time?” and

“You look like you want to go. Do want to leave? We can leave if you want to.”

As the night wears on, the sober person begins to not have a good time because of the constant badgering. The drunk person fulfills that reality. By being self conscious about the sober person having a bad time because of their drinking, they, in turn, make the sober person have a bad time. It is quite interesting. There is also a point in the evening when the planes of existence shift. At the beginning of the night, both the potential sober person and the potential drunk person are existing on the same metaphysical plane. Both people are setting out to have a good time. As drinks are imbibed, the planes that the two people exist on, stray away from one another until there is no connection left to one another.

The most evident sign of this happening, and possibly the most frustrating part of the experience, is the deviations in logic. A sober person’s logic stays relatively unchanged throughout the course of the event. Whereas a drunk person’s logic changes into a logic that dictates them continuing the experience.

Most of you have been there. You have a couple of drinks and you have a good buzz going. You feel awesome. You are just drunk enough for your logic to skew and you continue to drink in order to maintain the buzz. What you do not realize in your drinking state is that the “buzz” is a ridge you are walking that is as thin as a razor. One drink more or less and you lose it.

Drunk logic eventually evolves, or devolves, into things like:

“I’m going to buy you a shot.”

“No way. I can’t drink any more.”

“Dude. I’ve had five beers and three shots and I’m still cool to drive home. If I can drink that much and still drive, then you can totally have a shot.”

“Hey! You’re right. I can totally have a shot.”

And so on. I guess that is why it sounded like a perfectly logical idea, to White Chocolate, to poop somewhere where that she should not. Thankfully, Pancake Land dissuaded her. Otherwise, I might have to explain to my neighbors why there was a pile of human waste in their yard. Of course, White Chocolate might not have survived the Rhinos. (Watch the deleted scenes of Me and You and Everyone We Know. Then you’ll understand the joke.)

*Correction* They are boars, not Rhinos. My mistake. Thanks Dave.

Oh, and for the record, White Chocolate you were totally snoring on the couch. So there.

I think that I am going to make a book today. I’ve been feeling the prick of the inspiration bug lately and I need to vent the venom. More soon. ~SC


  1. jessica says:

    i prefer to sleep in places that i shouldn’t.

  2. Dave says:

    Now dont be goin all AA on us. I was privy to the shitting where you shouldnt conversation earlier in the night. I of course encouraged the act by relating my stealth poop stories (yeah there are a few) My logic is consistantly skewed anyways, being drunk clears my head. Some folks are just lightweights who shouldnt imbibe at all COUGHADAM.
    Also just so ya know it wasnt rhinos you gotta watch out for its boars. They can smell the blood in your poop.

  3. Dave says:

    Also you said you’ve been feeling the prick. Haha

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