Sandwich Control versus The Giant Robotic Squid.


October 18, 2010 by sandwichcontrol

I hate the innernet. And computers. And cellphones. And iPods. Digital cameras are cool, though. I can get behind those. Both figuratively and literally. We have these machines that are supposed to make our lives easier and more convenient, but do they really? They are supposed to save us time, but in fact the time we saved using them, we just turn around and spend waiting around for our technology to work properly. Think of it in terms of the remote control for your huge television. You spend a longer amount of time looking for the remote than it would take you to walk across the room to adjust the channel/volume.

If I gathered up and counted the amount of time that I have spent in a college classroom waiting around while an instructor or tech person tried to get the computer/projector system/clicker system/Powerpoint program to work, I think that I probably have one full semester’s worth of a three credit hour class. Did I get an “A” in Waiting For Technology 101? You betcha.

I spent roughly three hours this weekend fighting with technology in order to what? Save a baby from a burning building? No. Saving Eliza Dushku from Crimson Jihad? Nope. Preventing the aliens from invading the planet by infecting their Mothership with a computer virus? No. Trying to get on the innernet to check my electronic mail to see if had the opportunity to earn virtual points that will one day be exchanged for a card of plastic that can be used to buy virtual music? Yes. What schmucks we are.

I have to stop this ranting or else I am going to end up living in a yurt in Nova Scotia, printing off one-sheets of my Luddite propaganda on my letterpress, and shitting in a pile of sawdust. Hey that doesn’t sound half bad. Maybe the sawdust thing, but you’ve got to make sacrifices for the revolution.

Who am I fooling? No one. While I sit here typing this hateful message out on my Bluetooth keyboard, my iPod and cell phone are charging up so I can go endure another day of work. I may be pissed off at technology, but a slave knows his place. Always smile and look busy when Massa’s looking. For Now, the Giant Robotic Squid has won the battle, but the war is far from over. More soon. ~SC


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