The Side Effects of a Week of Crotch Watching.


February 6, 2011 by sandwichcontrol

Current local weather conditions are rainy and 2°C (35.6°F).

Yesterday was, how can I put this delicately, um, interesting. The first part of the day was spent reading Printing Digital Type. That is to say, in utter torture. I got through all but 6 pages of it, though. I took a break from photopolymerization to scrape ice off of the driveway with a garden hoe since I managed to not buy a flat head shovel. After that, I made a run to WalMart* with Little Peddler to pick up various medicines for Pancake Land and to stocked up for the impending week of bad weather.

On the way back from my local Supercenter, I talked L.P. into stopping at Mickey D’s for my bucket-o-nuggets. Much to my dismay, it turned out not to be an actual bucket, but a box, not unlike the old-school Happy Meal box.

It also came with 6 honey mustard packets, which I proceeded to neatly stack into a ziggurat.

Bucket or not, the glory of my 50 pieces of mechanically processed chicken parts was overwhelmingly awesome. Behold!

You can’t get much better than that. The best part of the whole experience of ordering this ridiculously American food was when the cashier asked if I wanted it as a meal or just the item itself. As a meal? Really? It turns out that for another $6 I could have gotten 2 large drinks and 2 giant fries. And then she asked if I wanted it “for here or to go”. Yes, I would like to sit here and eat this grossly obscene amount of random chicken parts in front of everyone. By myself. On second thought, I don’t think that these 50 nuggets are going to fill me up. You’d better go ahead and give me the drinks and fries. Make those Diet Cokes.

Pancake Land and I put a hefty dent in the nugget count once I was safely back in the privacy of my own home. After my lunch feast of disgustingly delicious chicken bits, I went running around with Teacher Sis. I was on the hunt for a rubber stamp that makes faux wood grain and a thermometer for Pancake Land. Those things acquired, we stopped off for dinner on assignment. What was going to be a quick bite to eat, slowly turned into an hour and half long dinner. For more on that hot mess, you’ll have to wait for next week’s article, which I should be writing as soon as finish this post.

Once I managed to get back home and deliver the newly purchased thermometer to P.L. I settled down into my office chair to check emails. Insert sound of phone buzzing. It was the weirdest thing. The caller was the mising-in-action Operation B calling to ask if he could come to my house so that I could help him call his Mom to get some psychiatric help. Okay then. Sure, come on over. After half an hour of making phone calls, we set off to meet his madre and step dad at the location of his previous treatment. An hour later he was being “assessed” and I headed back to Holliday Island to hit the sack. What a strange day that turned out to be.

The bad news is that Pancake Land is not getting any better. The trucker bumps she had yesterday have neither gone away, nor have they spread to the rest of her body. They have just grown in size. I blame these trucker bumps on the fact that she spent the week at the beach crotch watching men in Speedos. Everyone knows that crotch watching is a fast track to trucker bumps. I tried to warn her. But she was captivated and didn’t heed my warnings. So, today we will be going to the doctor. Any other symptoms she is having could easily be side effects of her perfectly timed monthly vacation to Alabama. For those of you who either too dense to figure it out or who are totally unaware of College Football, the mascot for the University of Alabama is the Crimson Tide. If you need further explanation of this reference, call your mother. She’ll have to break it down for you. Also, while you’ve got her on the phone, ask her where babies come from and tell her I said “What’s up and I work out.” and that I’ll see her Tuesday night (1/2 price night for Sailors and members of the Crafting industry).

So, you pretty much know what I’m doing today. I do have one more thing to ask you before I go. In my bookmaking and fine printing class, I have to make an entire stationary suite. Letterhead, envelopes, business cards, the works. Anyway, I’ve pretty much decided to make stationary for my new printing company. The only problem is that I don’t have a name for it, yet. So, I thought maybe you’d help. You can send feedback via the comments section below or, if you are shy, send me an email to sandwichcontrol at gmail dot com. Anyways, some ideas I, and others, have had are as follows:

Holliday Island Printing Co.

Los Frijoles Negros Press

D’ Accord Press


Rainy Day Printing


The Little Iron Curtain Printing Co.

If you have any better ideas or if you want to throw your lot in with any of those just let me know via the aforementioned routes. Anyway, I hear Pancake Land stirring, so I’d better go check on my sweet baby. More soon. ~SC


  1. Andi says:

    Saints A Mungus

  2. Tom says:

    UGH. You just so seriously made jonesing for some freaking Mcd’s chicken nuggets…..

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