The Paradoxical Nature of Windshield Wipers.


May 30, 2015 by sandwichcontrol

And the whole separate timeline created by them.

Let’s just say, hypothetically, that you got out of bed really early in the morning. You did all of the normal things you do in the morning. You eat some peanut butter. You drink some water. You head to workout.

Only, you don’t drive the car you normally drive. Today you drive a spaceship. In the rain.

You are sitting at the stoplight by your house trying to figure out how to turn the windshield wipers on when, out of the corner of your eye, you notice the light change. So, you go through the light only to realize that it wasn’t your light that changed. It was the light for the traffic going perpendicular to you’s light. Luckily, there is only one other car at the light and he sees you going as his light just changed and sits perfectly still, watching you go by.

You might think that he is angry with you for acting so irresponsibly. You would be wrong.

What he is experiencing is disappointment. He is upset because no one told him it was Opposite Day.

He immediately calls his wife to chastise her for failing to remind him of such an important day. She, of course, tells him that it is not Opposite Day. And herein lies the problem.


His tiny brain begins to spin out of control chasing this logic rabbit down its hole only to wind up meeting his end at the bottoms of a bottle of cheap vodka and a bottle of baby aspirin.

His death is on you. You killed this poor man. All because of your windshield wipers.

And the man’s poor wife. She won’t even be able to go trolling for dick with her son because it turns out he’s not actually gay. She just thought he was because of her stereotypes based on his very clean room and sense of fashion.

You caused so much heartache and disappointment.

I want you to sit there and think about what you’ve done.

Hypothetically, of course.

See ya’ tomorrow.

More soon. ~SC

1 comment »

  1. Dave says:

    I hypothetically don’t care about that poor bastard, but only if it’s still not opposite day. Or if it is.
    IF. IT. IS.

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