September 30, 2015 by sandwichcontrol
Yesterday was another day of storms.
I’ve never really talked about my anxiety on here before. Now’s as good a time as any, I suppose.
I am afraid.
All the time.
Think of a time when you were afraid of something. A scary movie. A carwreck. That time when you fell off a building.
Now imagine feeling that way all the time. All of it. Everyday, every hour, every minute of your life is constant fear.
Or that was me before I went to the doctor.
Now I take drugs. Better living through chemistry and whatnot.
Now I feel like I’m standing inside a house and there’s a tornado outside. I can feel the pressure, I can hear the wind rattle the windows, I can see the wind and rain, but I don’t feel any of it. Because I’m warm and dry in my house.
My mind is anyway.
The problem is that my body still feels it. My body still endures the storm.
So, even though my mind isn’t working itself into a lather over nothing, my body still feels it and that makes my body tired. It fatigues me. I am generally tired all the time. Add to my general level of anxiety a stressful week of normal life and the anxiety of an upcoming trip, and you’ll find me taking two naps a day.
Yesterday was a two napper.
Over nothing. I did a little prep work for my trip. I did a little grocery shopping for work. Big deal.
Sure, there was that bit with Le Duc and the wasps and an ambulance in the middle, but that wasn’t anything. (No. Seriously. He’s fine. He just had a mild allergic reaction and got a little whoozy. The ambulance was a precaution more than anything.)
I rounded out the day with an intense talk about fear and space followed by some impromptu work on the quadratic formula and discriminants.
Sometimes I get angry at myself for being afraid all the time. But that’s just silly. All I can be is me. I’ve just got to do the best I can with me.
You’ll have to excuse me. I’m a little medicated at the moment.
See ya’ tomorrow.
More soon. ~SC
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