If It’s Gonna Be That Kinda Party…


October 6, 2016 by sandwichcontrol

I’m gonna stick my dick in the potato soup.

I’m gonna need some time to do yesterday justice. So please forgive the tardiness of today’s post.

First off, today’s song is “Not That Man” by Chad Valley. It is being brought to you today by Ojeda the Curve.

All right. Now, on to the story of how I’m the most metal dude you know.

Teacher Sis took me to the outpatient surgery center at 6:30am yesterday.

At 7:30am they called me back, made me put on a dress and bonnet, and gave me a shot of valium.

At 8am they knocked me the fuck out and fixed my busted-ass septum.

At 9am I woke up.

I went home and proceeded to start making the “rest” happen. They said bleeding would continue for a few hours and to change the bandages as needed. By 11:30am the bleeding had not slowed down at all. To the point where we were changing the bandages everything 15-20 minutes.

T.S. called the doctors and they discussed options. Continued bleeding was not unusual and they recommended a different technique. We tried the different technique to no avail, due mainly to the giant pieces of coagulated blood, henceforth referred to as “blood clots”, that were blocking up my left nostril.

T.S. has a strong stomach when it comes to poop, puke, and blood, but leaves the room at snot. For those that have never experienced one, a blood clot is pretty much a slug made of blood. Slimy, slippy and bloody.

I was left to dig the blood clots out of my nose on my own.

So, by the time the doc decided that I really should’ve stopped bleeding by 3pm and called me back to his office, my house looked like a murder scene. Blood everywhere.

This is when shit gets real.

So, I’m covered in blood and just stroll right into the doc’s office like a fucking viking off to the mead hall. Not really. I walk in like a guy in utter misery who has lost a lot of blood and feels very grumpy about it.

I finally get back into a room and the doc comes in and removes the bandage. T.S. promptly retreats to the hall when he turns the vacuum on to start removing the giant blood clot from my left nostril. She headed back to the waiting room after the nurse went to retrieve a “larger” suction tube. T.S. was no where to be seen when they sent for the largest of suction tubes.

So, here’s when things got interesting. Pretty much as soon as the suctioning started, my doc got more and more serious and urgent about what he was doing. To the point that this experience went from minor examination to full blown surgery with no warning or anesthetic. Thankfully, T.S. had convinced me to take a pain pill before we left the house.

I was doing just fine up to a point.

Then, I got real hot, real fast.

My shoes came off. What happened next was that I experienced something called a vasovagal response. I got super hot. My lips turned white. My blood pressure dropped. They told me later that I handled it like a champ, though. I disagreed, but they reassured me that most people fainted. I did not faint. And they were impressed. I realize now, after reading quite a bit on it, that normally people’s heart rate slows way down. The nurse had said mine was going crazy fast. More than likely what had happened was I had a panic attack at the same time. My sympathetic response hit me with that adrenaline rush and kept me from fainting.

Either way, that was, by far, the most traumatic experience of my life. I was fully awake while three people had their hands, none-too-gently, in my nose. Trying to remove slippy bloodclots from inside my sinuses and uvula. From the inside. With a pencil-size vacuum.

What had happened was… that after surgery, a blood vessel that had been severed to make the incision for the splints had clotted. Like it’s suppose to do. At some point that clot broke free and was hanging there and started to “thread” blood off of it. Meaning that it kept drawing blood and allowing it to flow without clotting. The blood subsequently started to pool up in my sinuses and in my uvula and then clotted. Pretty much building dams to prevent blood from draining properly. It was also, as my doc put it, slowly drowning me in my blood.

I am the most metal dude you know. I nearly drowned in my own blood. And I didn’t faint.

Such a badass.

So, anyway, after my doc removed the stints and blood clots, everything stopped bleeding like it was supposed to within minutes and I was immediately a million times better than I was when I walked into the doc’s office.

I came home and ate something and started to rest for real.

And I took the Daily Photo…

"Big Boss Man"

“Big Boss Man”

I couldn’t make it to family dinner as I had planned because I was feeling pretty weak after losing a lot of my blood.

Zilla came by to check on me at some point and brought me gelato. Because she’s the sweetest.

I crashed around 11pm after taking a cocktail of my normal meds and new meds. I woke up around 4am this morning. I drank some water and took a much needed shower to wash off any remnants of yesterday’s bloodbath that were clinging to my beard.

Then I went back to sleep. I’m up again, obviously, and have eaten and drank plenty of fluids. I’m still a little weak from blood loss, but am getting better.

I’m resting today.

Back at life again tomorrow.

See ya’ then.

More soon. ~SC


  1. Man With the Plan says:

    Damn it man. Glad your doing better.

  2. Chuy says:

    I smell a new Most Darkest single

  3. Dave says:

    Blood claat! Most Darkest only does reggae covers of metal songs now.

  4. Chuy says:

    I&I am comfortable with that development.

  5. La Duchess says:

    Glad to hear from you. We were worrying.

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