We were over visiting Little Peddler’s the other day and she mentioned that she got her denture fixed. I thought nothing of it. People chip a fake tooth, then they get it repaired. Pancake Land, knowing her mother well enough to know when she is waiting to tell us a story, asks:

“How’d you break the tooth, anyway?”

“Oh, I was eating a salad and it just broke off.”

PL: “You broke your tooth on a piece of lettuce.”

LP: “Well, it was probably loose and the lettuce just knocked it out.”

PL: “Uh huh.”

G-Man chimed in: “She had me search that whole damn salad for her tooth.”

LP: “But, I knew I had swallowed it.”

PL: “So the dentist just made a new tooth for your dentures?”

LP: “Oh, no. I found my tooth and took it in with me.”

PL: “But you just said that you swallowed it. What, did you dig through your poop to find it?”

LP: (proudly) “For three whole days.”

PL: “…”

LP: “I just wrapped my hand up in three of those Wal-Mart sacks and got my turds out of the toilet.”

PL: “…”

LP: “And then I would just squish ’em and feel around for my tooth.”

PL: “So, let me see if I’ve got this straight. You would poop. And then you wrap your hand in a Wal-Mart sack…”

LP: “Three Wal-Mart sacks.”

PL: “And then, once you had fished your poop out of the toilet, you would smash it up, with your hands, to feel around for your tooth.”

LP: “Well, it was still in the sacks. Let me tell you, if you think your poop smells bad in the toilet, once you break that seal around it, it smells even worse.”

PL: “The seal?”

LP: (matter of factly) “Yours turds get sealed up when they come out of your butthole. But, when you smash them…”

PL: “In a Wal-Mart sack.”

LP: “It breaks the seal. It just smells terrible. And you wouldn’t believe how much one little ol’ turd can fill up a Wal-Mart sack once you squish it real thin. It just fills that bag up. Like fudge.”

PL: “So you found the tooth.”

LP: “Took three whole days.”

G-Man: “She would call me at work and report about the search every time she took a dump. For three days.”

LP: “I called him as soon as I found it.”

PL: “After you found it, what did you do? You know, with the poop sack. How did you get the tooth out of the bag?”

LP: “Well, I just squeezed the tooth up to the top of the bag, like tooth paste, and when it got to the top, I just dropped it in the sink.”

G-Man: “In my bathroom?!”

LP: “Well, I wasn’t about to do this in the kitchen. Don’t worry I cleaned the sink. After, I got the tooth out, I scrubbed it real good with dish soap and Windex or 409 or something.”

PL: “You didn’t boil it or anything.”

LP: “Well, heck no I didn’t boil it. It might of melted.”

PL: “So you took this DooDoo tooth into the dentist’s office and they put it back in your denture?”

LP: “Yep.”

PL: “Didn’t you just get those dentures a few months ago? Aren’t they under some sort of warranty?”

LP: “Oh, probably.”

PL: “Then why did you dig through three days worth of poop to find a tooth that fell out?”

LP: “Well, it seemed like a waste of a perfectly good tooth. Plus, it was my tooth.”

PL: “Technically, it was your fake tooth. And it was not like you had a long history with it. It is a little piece of plastic that you got a couple of months ago. Never let it be said that you aren’t….um, thrifty.”

LP: “Frugal. I like that word better. If you thought the tooth made for a funny story, let me tell you about what happened the other night when I went to pee out by the Koi pond…”

This is my life. These are the people I spend my time with. More soon. ~SC