…the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard comes out of it.”

I actually had to say that to someone yesterday. I bet you can guess who.

Well, hello there! It is Friday and boy do I have lots of stuff for you today. Let’s begin today’s show how we begin every Friday edition: with my new article on the City Wire. If you would like to read my article, click here: Pumpkins. If you would not like to read my article, turn to page 186 to continue your adventure.

What to talk about next? I guess I’ll get the bad news out of the way early and then we can have some fun. Oh, let’s see what I’ve got for you in the bad news department… ah yes. Monday.

So, G-man got laid off on Monday. You know, it is not enough that he is fighting cancer and necrotizing pneumonia, but now he gets sacked. The rest of the dominoes fell quickly after that. If he loses his job, he loses his health insurance. So he and Little Peddler decided to get divorced as a way to handle this. G-Man is moving to Little Rock on Saturday, so if you want to see him, you’d better get a move on. I’m sure you’re wondering how Little Peddler is going to be able to take care of the house by herself. The solution is quite simple: Pancake Land will obviously be moving back home to help her shoulder the burden. Yep, that was my Monday.

Oh and yesterday. Now that the Royal family has returned, Le Duke made arrangements to have Molly put down. As some of know, Molly was the Queen Bitch of Lippincottonia. For years, Molly has been convincing the other dogs to jump fences and play in the road while she selflessly stayed behind to guard the food bowl. But, lately she wasn’t getting around so hot. Not at all, really. So, it was time. After 16 years of loyal service to the banner of Lippincottonia, one of our own was laid to rest yesterday at sunset. The Queen is dead. Long live the Queen.

Enough of that depressing shit. Good news time. I passed Physics I. It is over. Finished. Finito. And I managed to wrangle a B out of the deal. Is that scoffing I hear? Well, up yours buddy. I’d like to see you do better in Physics whilst working four jobs, fostering someone else’s 17 year old, and dealing with a crumpling empire of family members. We’ll see how well you fare against a Japanese-speaking redneck super-brain.

Also, Q is just ridiculously cute:

So, as per usual my loving and nurturing Royal family brought me presents (that I pay for) back from the land of butter. Three whole glorious kilos of generic French coffee. I know what you are about to ask and the answer is : No. You cannot have any. This coffee has to last me until they get back next year. If you want French coffee, pay someone to bring you some, but leave Le Duke and La Duchess alone. They are my drug mules. Get your own.

They also brought me some really bizarre stuff. Like toilet paper with Math on it.

And then there’s the junk food. It became very obvious to me that we as Americans have an incredibly different idea of what constitutes junk food. We want our junk food to be flavored like other junk food. Something like this:

Whereas the French want their junk food to taste like real food:

Yes, that’s roasted chicken with Thyme flavored potato chips. Even gummy snacks are what they should be. Gummy snacks are supposed to be fun to eat. Not for me of course, since I find the texture quite vile, but for most people. We market the gummy snacks to the children who want to pretend that they are eating a meal and in reality are eating candy.

The French, on the other hand, market the snacks at the parents who are tired of watching the same cartoons over and over again all day.

Sorry Smurfette, but you have to DI-I-I-IE!

And that is just one of our many cultural differences.

Well, now it is time for me to leave you. I must away to my appointment with Dr. T. I am way over due for a good spine cracking. Plus, I’m taking the rest of the day off to have some “me” time. More soon. ~SC