So, I had this wart on my finger. At first, I didn’t really think anything about it. Warts happen. But after a few years of it living, or not living depending on your definition of viruses and there being alive or not, my wart was starting to get big enough that I couldn’t put my fingers completely together anymore.

Granted, it was only a few millimeters, but it started bugging me. And sometimes it would get snagged on stuff. So, I started thinking that it was time to say goodbye to my opportunistic parasitic friend. This is when I started looking at ways to get rid of it. I ended up settling on these one-step bandages that slowly kill the virus using salicylic acid (an organic acid derived from the bark of Willow trees). It should have dawned on me that this wasn’t going to be as easy and straightforward as the instructions led me to believe.

The instructions said something like: wash the affected area and apply bandage, change bandage every 48 hours for up to 12 weeks. The bandages also claimed to be water resistant. That’s great and all if you don’t ever wash your hands. I wash my hands a lot. I wash dishes. I poop. I empty the cat’s shitbox. I wash my hands. Plus, for the past two weeks I’ve been pampering two giant tattoos on the backs of my legs. My hands have been wet recently, if you know what I mean. These bandages resist water for about eight seconds before sliding off of you finger.

Then there’s the process of eating virally infected flesh using acid. What they don’t tell you is that the spot that was once a mildly unsightly bump on your finger is now a giant pure white zombie tumor of no maximum strength. It looks like you have something seriously wrong with you. Your skin is not supposed to turn that color. Ever.

Also, they never tell you when to stop using these bandages. So, I’ve been dealing with creepy zombie flesh and constantly changing bandages for two weeks. The spot that was once my little wart has been looking more and more raggedy and creepy day by day.

This morning when I went to wash my hands, after a massive morning poop, I also got ready to change my bandage. When I peeled the bandage off, the wart and all of the zombie skin around it came off with the bandage. This is also another thing that they don’t tell you. You now have a giant crater in your finger. Wanna see it? Of course you do:

Isn’t that yummy? Yeah. So, I assume, now that part of my finger has fallen off, that I should stop using the bandages. I’m going to let this sort of dry out uncovered in the privacy of my own home for a while. Don’t worry, I’ll cover it before leaving the house. I don’t think I’ll get very much accomplished with people constantly vomiting when they get near my finger.

So, how was your weekend? Mine’s been pretty good so far. I’ve got to buckle down and get some work done today, but other than that, it’s been pretty good. Well, I’m going to get to work. Enjoy the remainder of your weekend. More soon. ~SC