I’ll get you a Heiney.

Yesterday, I learned about Tycho Brahe. He was a Danish Astronomer and mentor/boss to Johannes Kepler. Sure he discovered a lot of awesome things about the stars and planets, but what really captured my imagination was the fact that this dude was a total badass. First off, check him out:

Bangin’ mustache. And this painting doesn’t do him justice. For one, it shows him with a nose. A flesh one. A nose that he didn’t have for a good bit of his life because someone cut it off during a duel. Did he walk around all noseless? Hell no. He made fake noses out of precious metals and wore them around. You see that dude over there with the golden nose? That’s Danish astronomer Tycho “Beans and Bangers” Brahe. He had sex with your mother and your wife at the same time. And he took no pleasure in doing it. He did it just to hurt your feelings. Apparently, he had enough mustache to give them both a ride at the same time. That’s what Kepler told me anyway. But his eyesight is not that great, so who knows what he really saw.

The dude also had a pet moose that lived in his house. And during one of huge parties that he’d throw on a regular basis, the moose got really drunk on beer and fell down the stairs. I think it broke its leg. Or maybe it died. The details are hazy. Ask again later. But who cares which happened?! He had a drunk moose that partied with him. How badass is that? Keep in mind, this all happened in the late 1500’s. Yeah. Old Brahe, was knockin’ some of that Enlightenment booty. He was dropping Science like Galileo dropped his illegitimate daughters off at the convent.

And we’re walking.

In addition to that crazy shit, I saw this yesterday. Be warned, once you’ve seen it, it can never be unseen.

Yeah. Anime dubbed in German. Mindfucked.

Well, I’m going to go move type around. Try not to freeze to death. And don’t let Bullwinkle anywhere near the bar. He has a drinking problem. More soon. ~SC