The scourge of the Seven Seals.

A little mood music, if you will please, Maestro.

I was talking with Teacher Sis the other day, when I struck upon something quite brilliant. I call it my Revelation. No, there’s no beasts with many heads or even a second coming. No, there’s no trumpets or scrolls. Just a single horseman. And his name is Death.

Or her name. Whatever. Its name is Death. And not this Death, either:

This Death is the thing that the majority people fear most. And that got me thinking. The kind of thinking that led me to the understanding that Jesus was a wizard, hence Grismas being a wizard’s holiday. Some could say heretical thinking. I do have a PhD in the subject, so let’s roll with it.

I suggest that the majority have a phobia of Death. Phobias being an irrational and inexplicable fear. Good news! I am here to relieve you of this phobia. And I’ll do so using logic and reason. I know that won’t hold much water with ye of too much faith, but that’s not my business. That’s between you and your maker. Whoever that is.

I have broken my explanation down into three easily digested parts. That way, there won’t be any confusion.

Sandwich Control’s Guide to Getting Over Your Thanatophobia

All you have to do is accept these three things and you’ll have nothing to worry about but the Taxman.

1) If you don’t believe in Heaven or Hell, when you die, nothing will happen but decomposition. The chemical compounds that make up your body will be reabsorbed into the Carbon cycle. Once you die, you won’t have single care in the world. Because you’re dead. So, look forward to that happy day. Don’t fear it.

2) If you believe in Heaven, and think you’re going there, you probably are. Once you die, you’ll be whisked away to Paradise. All the cookies, and weed, and whatever else you want aplenty. Why in the world would you fear that? It sounds like Las Vegas and New York had a baby that won’t give you a venereal disease. If you’re afraid of a good time for all eternity, you have much larger issues you need to be working on right now.

3) If you believe in a Hell, and think that you’re probably going there, dying should be the least of your concerns. If I were in your shoes, I’d be more concerned about having to spend eternity on fire while a demon sodomized me with its equine cock. Just saying. Dying will seem like child’s play to what awaits you on the other side. I mean, seriously, have you never been burned before? That shit is not pleasant. And having seen “Horse Gag” in the past, the Lake of Fire is sounding pretty good right about now.

There? See how silly your fears are? I mean only a few minutes ago, you were cowering before the pale horse and now feel free to do one of three things:

a) Ask Death to hang out while you smoke a cigarette. No one wants to travel without smoking first.

b) Ask Death to hurry things up a bit. There is a land of free pleasures at the end of this pony ride.

c) Try to bribe Death to take you to New Jersey and leave you in a toxic waste dump. Anything would be better than being demon-fucked.

Aren’t you glad I’m here to help?

More soon. ~SC