A Treatise On Grismas.


December 23, 2012 by sandwichcontrol

I have finally discovered the spirit of the holiday season.

And some of you are not going to like it.

Like most good scientists, I spend a good deal of my time thinking about the mysteries of the universe. Recently, I have been thinking about Grismas. It being the holiday season and all. My main quandary has been focused on why did the wizards and witches in Harry Potter celebrate “Christmas”. Being magic-folk, they obviously do not subscribe to the traditional Judeo-Christian belief structure. The whole baby Jesus dying for our sins thing is quite obviously not their bag. So, why do they celebrate Grismas? There can be only one conclusion:

Wizards invited Grismas.

That’s right. Wizards. And by wizards, I mean all magic-folk. I am using the term like many people use the term “mankind” to include men, women, children, dwarves, elves, halflings, Tengu, Kitsune, Oreads, and all other bipedal humanoids that inhabit class “M” planets. My use of the term “wizards” also includes witches, sorcerers, alchemists, druids, magus, clerics, enchanters, bruja, fortune tellers, magi, shamans (shamen?), seers, warlocks, prophets, summoners, the various mancers, etc. I don’t know the specific class of magic users that originated the holiday of Grismas, without further research that is. Further research is something that I am not well known for. Hypotheses? Yes. Research? Not so much.

Just know that Wizards invented your beloved holiday. Before you work yourself up into a huffy fit, take a moment and think about it. Who came to visit the baby Jesus? Three wise men. Also called the magi. Magi is a term meaning wise men, but it is also the plural of mage. There is a reason why a phrase from Greek later comes to be the English “magic”. Wizards.

And they brought him presnents. Gold, frankincense, and myrrh.

Gold, obviously, is a reference to alchemy. Alchemists strive to turn non-precious metals into gold. They also deal in poisons and explosives, making them a valued member of the campaign. They strive to make gold because of its superior conductivity and the fact that it is very shiny. Alchemists are known for having an affinity for shiny things. They are not unlike magpies. By presenting the baby Jesus with a gift of gold, this wise man was offering his services as an alchemist.

Like gold, frankincense and myrrh are notably magical items. Frankincense is burned to purify and promoted security in a spiritual sense. It is also burned to promote spiritual growth. Myrrh is typically burned with frankincense to aid in meditation and peace. Magic, dude.

So, why did these wizards bring a baby magical items? Obviously because prophets (magic-folk) had foretold of him. One who would bring peace to the nations of magic users. Like Anakin Skywalker and whatnot. If you really think about it, Jesus was totally a wizard. Water to wine, walking on water, rising from the dead, curing light wounds. Dude, he was the boy who lived. Way back when.

But, all great struggles in history involve good wizards and bad wizards. For Jesus, he was conspired against by bad wizards. I’m sure the muggles (non-magic-folk) didn’t help out his cause, either. What with their fear of all things they don’t understand.

I’m rambling aren’t I?

Okay, well I’ll wrap up this diatribe.

Just know that wizards invented your precious holiday. Why? Because who doesn’t like presnents?!

Also, for those concerned about my beginning this post by saying that I am a scientist and then immediately talking about magic and the supernatural, fuck you. Like Thor said “Your ancestors called it magic, you call it science. Where I come from, they are one in the same.” And magic, after all, is just science we don’t understand yet.

Have a Happy Grismas. And bring on the presnents. More soon. ~SC


  1. Dave says:

    The specific class of magic user that invented Grismas would have to be summoner/conjurer. How else would they invoke the spirit of a minor deity to inhabit a human baby?

  2. Duchess says:

    Well Dave they/he/she might have just liked babies.

  3. Dave says:

    Impossible! No one just likes babies. But, if what you suggest is true, it still doesnt account for the summoning and binding of a minor deity into the body of a human infant.

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